Day 14 – Sept. 24, 2011
Much like yesterday, today was full of grace.
All i can really say, is that after nearly two weeks of HELL – I finally found PEACE.
For the first 12 days of The Quit, I stupidly went through the torture of withdrawals for a few days and then ‘took a puff’; or, after finding an almost FULL PACK of smokes in my Snowboarding jacket while I was packing, instead of throwing them away because I hadn’t smoked in almost 48 hours, I SMOKED ALL OF THEM (save ONE)- it was a literally a roller coaster of insanity. All the hard work of the uphill climb, and then SWOOSH… down we go- fast as a bullet – with one stupid puff.
What finally did it? I hope I can tell you without sounding like a wack job.
I believe it truly boils down to a DECISION. A choice. You really have to WANT to Quit.
I thought I wanted to quit. Really I did. But deep down, it wasn’t ME that wanted to quit, it was that I felt it was time, that I HAD to. It was the “right” thing to do. But the WANT wasn’t there. I, me, I wanted to smoke. So that’s what I did. Every chance I got. I didn’t go out and buy them. But the moment one was made available, I smoked it up. And I was glad to do it. I was happy that life had been so sweet and kind as to relieve me of the agony of quitting and just provide me with what I wanted. A cigarette.
But then something happened. I realized, that even deeper down, I DID want to quit.
I kept one cigarette from the pack I found on Thursday, put it in a little tube (another thing I conveniently found while packing), and told myself “Here you go – a cigarette available for you any time you want it.” Then I went to sleep.
Tonight I realized that I hadn’t really had any cravings all day. Not a bad one at least. And I was happy. God’s Grace was with me, and I could feel her. Later, as that familiar sweet stench wafted in from the garage – I re-read that torn out page from my journal that I found yesterday. It was one page, front & back. The dates were July 5th – 8th of this year. Why I had torn it out, I don’t know. Here is what it said:
JULY 5th : This is gonna be so hard again – but I can do it. And I don’t want to ever have to go through this again! I suffered through five smoke free days last time M left, then broke down & smoked soon after she and S came home. Not this time. It’s not that I’m out of excuses – it’s that I’ve realized the utter worthlessness of them.
JULY 7th : I want to LIVE! I want to Explore, Climb, Run, Bike, Dive, Swim… Live!
JULY 8th : “Choose you this Day, Whom you will serve.” (Joshua 24:15) “Will is the whole person Active. I cannot give up my will. I must exercise it. I must will to obey, and I must will to receive God’s Spirit. When God gives a vision of Truth, it is never a question of what He will do, but of what we will do.The Lord has been putting before us some big propositions – and the best thing to do is remember what you did when you were touched by God before – – – the time you were saved or first saw Jesus, or realized some Truth. It was easy then, to yield allegiance to God; recall those moments now as the Spirit fo God brings before you some new proposition.’Choose you this day Whom you will serve.’ It is a deliberate calculation; not something into which you drift easily; and everything else is in abeyance until you decide.” –Oswald Chambers
So – that’s that. I still have the cigarette in the tube… and got through another day without it. 😉